Friday, October 30, 2015

Is This "Tone Policing"?

Following up on my Autism Learning Curve blog, another thing I learned recently was about tone policing.

I'm pretty sure my husband does it to me all the time. Yesterday we barely spoke all day and he was angry at me all day because he and I approached one another in the hallway at the same time to look at the floor and see some sort of gack on the rug. He asked "what is that?" and I replied "it's obviously cat vomit. You can see the little pieces of muti-colored dry cat food nuggets in there and everything". He got angry and said that I was rude the way I replied. I guess it could come off that way now that I read it back in typing but at the time I was just answering him. :(

Then later the fight was extended because as soon as I got home I saw his cellphone open and the message on top said something about arranging a time to get together later, so when he came in the room I asked "so are you going back out later then?" and gestured to his phone. He said I was being "antagonistic" and got furious. I was just asking. Because from the message, it seemed likely to me. Was that seriously so wrong?

So now I think that he was tone policing me, if I'm understanding the term correctly. I keep telling him to listen to the intent behind my words because I have a problem with it coming out in a pleasing manner apparently, I say "remember it's the thought that counts, I wasn't thinking I want to be rude to you or hey, let's antagonize the husband, I was thinking that's obvious to me that it is cat puke, and that message makes it sound as though you may go back out tonight, please confirm or deny". But he just gets angrier and angrier when I try to explain myself. bleh.

I need to learn how to be a wife right. My dad died when I was little so I grew up in a house with an awesome mom but didn't have the visual quick-start guide for a happy marriage to model myself after. Passing for an NT wife can be such a bitch. Or impossible, your pick.

(Not really, there's only one answer- for me anyway - it's impossible. I'm totally not an NT wife. so be it.)

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