Tuesday, October 27, 2015

Ten Days

Yes it's been ten days since my last blog post.

No, I haven't lost interest.

I'm just trying to find my place in this world.

I always lived NT (neurotypical) but never fit in.

There's not an alternative ND (neurodiverse) world I can go to now instead where I suddenly can. There is no other stores, no other roads, no other children/spouse/inlaws, there are no other anythings but this one.

Knowing I never fit in before doesn't help me fit in now.

Knowing WHY I never fit in before doesn't help me fit in now.

So far I'm not getting very far with this diagnosis, so I'm doing what I always do - stall.

I spend my day burying myself in my housework and errands as much as possible, then avoid facebook and the blog and all modes of social interaction at night and instead just post in games threads over at WP because it's simultaneously mind-numbing and engaging, because it makes me dedicate my whole body and mind to one thing, and that one thing is unimportant, insignicant, and pointless.

I have no more inside me right now.

I have three kids. each one has SERIOUS, extremely important and time-consuming "special needs" which are not at all the same 'special needs' that most people think of when they read that phrase. They're not disabilities. Theyre not learning disorders. Nothing of the sort. not even a case of mono or the flu.

I dont want to share but suffice it to say that I can't get a break.

Life is hard.

I don't know how to do it any differently than I have been, so. Here we are.

I still have no friends, and I'm lonely and sad.

So, there's your profound truth for this particular blog post. Enjoy.

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