Tuesday, October 6, 2015

That Awkward First Post

Blogging seems like a good plan right now.

That's because I keep finding myself with something to say, but nobody to say it to.

Or else I start typing something as a response somewhere and it takes on a life of it's own and I realize "oh crap, I'm turning it into 'all about me' again".

Also because sometimes I just feel like bitching and complaining and don't want to toxify any places I regularly hang out.

But mostly because stuff is happening in my life right now that I definitely could use an outlet for, which blogging seems perfect for, and maybe at some point I'll even get some readers and some supportive comments (not sure I'd know what to do with them, but it'd probably be nice to have them).

So, let me introduce myself. Which is a funny thing to ponder because the way my brain works, I instantly have three trains of thought starting at the central hub which is "introduce myself" and all three depart at the same time and go in different directions. One starts by saying "Hi, I'm Jennifer" while another starts by responding "do you really want to use your real name?" and a third instantly responds by saying "well if you use a different name it won't feel as sincere when people respond to you there" to which the first one replies "we aren't getting very far yet, are we?", the second one says "not really, no, we should have some coffee now" and the third one says "POTATO MELON!!" (the third one is a smartass).

I know, by now the one reader I will ever get (probably a non-english speaker from Czechoslovakia) is probably thinking to themselves "what is her mental disorder? she probably has multiple personality disorder" (oh hey, brain track number two wants to point out that most people would actually say "schizophrenia" because most people think that MPD is scizophrenia, and brain track number three says "I am not typing the word schizophrenia, that's the one that we DON"T want to be diagnosed with more than anything else" and brain track number one is  like "SHUT UP AND DRINK THE COFFEE THAT JUST GOT READY").

Yeah, that should help. let's caffeinate the suckers and they'll quiet down. (this is sarcasm)

But no, it's not schizophrenia, it's not MPD, and it's not ADD. I know because I just got done being tested for ADD/ADHD by a psychiatrist (Dr. M) who specializes in it, but who I was referred to specifically because my regular doctor thought that Dr M. would be able to see beyond his specialty and see the bigger picture. Since I take Adderall by prescription off-label for fatigue and depression, we thought it would be a good idea to see if there was any underlying ADHD to help explain why it's been somewhat helpful to me overall in the past 9+ years that I"ve been on it (always the same 10mg dose - I always need the "baby dose" of whatever meds I'm on, seems like).

But nope, no ADD. After three 1.5 hour appointments, two EEGs - one on meds, one off meds - and going through every one of my report cards from preschool through college I'm pretty sure we got that one solidly eliminated. I do not have an attention deficit. If anything I take in TOO much. And you never know which sense will be overwhelmed by that fact. But we'll get to that later. For now, on to the point:

It's looking like I'm a 42 year old Aspie just starting to realize what her problem has been all this time.

Except it's not a problem... well it IS, but mostly for other people, because they're the ones who don't understand me, because I suck at people.

Except on the internet. I think I probably suck less at people here, because typing is my easiest mode of communication. Don't get me wrong, I can talk. I probably talked early, even, knowing me. I certainly read early (blew through the Charlotte's Web chapter book when I was only four or five years old). I know I rambled a lot as a kid sometimes, once I got going on something I was into. As an adult it's the same way... years ago when my oldest son was in his teens, he even called me out on it as we were driving home, saying that unless a subject is one of "my" subjects, I don't seem to pay attention or have anything to contribute. I probably responded by saying that most people probably talk more about what they like and less about what they don't. I don't remember. I just remember thinking to myself "I do do that, don't I?" and it nagged me a bit but not for long. After all, once I'm home and get inside the door two things happen - I go find "not real pants" (sweats, pajamas, never yoga pants though - they have tight thighs and low waists and my body doesn't take kindly to pants that have limits like those in places like those. I'm curvy. Okay, I gain my weight in my butt and thighs. I tend towards pear shape. Put a pear in yoga pants and... oh crap I couldn't think of a name for my blog and here I"m saying phrases like "pear in yoga pants" which could've been cute. Sorry. There's that brain track switch.)

But yeah like I said, once I get home two things happen - ditch the uncomfortable pants for sweats, and sit in my spot on the couch in front of my laptop and immerse myself in one of "my" subjects, whichever it is at that given point in time. (I noticed a couple of years back that I seem to have roughly a 2 year limit on "my subjects" before burning out. It's weird too, sometimes on a given day I will just be done and that's it. Even if I've got years into it, and have paperwork strewn around and a bunch of open tabs on the computer that haven't been closed in months, and even if I've been in deep conversation/collaboration with someone online about something.... doesn't matter. When I'm done, I'm done. And there's no way to know until it happens. It's not a choice, it's just when the brain tentacles finally let go then it's over, I'm done. (BTW, tentacles.... tentacles.... tentacles... every time I see that and say it in my head it's a crapshoot, you never know if my smartass brain will be like "hey that word looks like HERCULES, let's pronounce it that way! TENTACLES! TENT - UH - CLEEEEEZ!" .... of course, smartass brain doesn't stop there, it also points out "Hey that also works for TESTICLES! TEST - UH - CLEEZ! The greek god of balls!!") )

Look I didn't claim to be polite company. I only claimed to be me. I should probably just move on now. This blog is doomed.

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Tentacles. What a great word (said my way).


Well anyway, I just need coffee. We can go from there. For now the basics will do:

Hi, I'm Jennifer, I'm a married mother of three, and I just got diagnosed with Asperger's last week. I'm 42. And my brain is a smartass.

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