Wednesday, October 7, 2015

Zoning Out

I remember as a kid how often I'd zone out but to me I was "just thinking" when adults might suggest I was daydreaming, which I don't think they did too often.. maybe aware that it was something else, who knows. Maybe because I was the youngest of six kids they were just glad to have a quiet kid who was content to zone out in her own little world of thought so often.. could be that I'm remembering it as being more than they thought it was... oh who knows, anyway, point is I did it a lot...

Like, I remember one time (I was probably between about 5-7 years old) being in the back seat of the station wagon and some other kid was in the car too, I think it was the son of the family we'd stayed friends with when we moved from NJ to NY.. we might've been back down there visiting, in fact.. though I don't think we usually went in winter so maybe not.. I remember it was winter because I was sitting there looking out the side window next to me at snow and saw that there was frost on the window that had formed little crystalized patterns and shapes on the outside of the window.. just lost in the intricacies of the pattern, like snowflakes frozen to the window in little formations, you could sort of ultra-focus your eyes on them and see smaller granules, kind of like seeing the pixels in the old TVs that I grew up with (you know, back when there were 13 channels, 12 if you didn't get HBO, which required a little set-top box with a little switch you'd have to stand up and flip in order to watch it - and a subscription, of course).. anyway, I was sitting there looking at those and just letting my mind wander, I don't remember if I was thinking about anything in particular, or if I was just following the patterns with my eyes from one end to the other.. but I remember deciding to stick my tongue out and touch the glass with it to feel the coolness of the frosty window, and suddenly I heard the sound of a little boy's voice saying "WHAT ARE YOU DOING??" and it seemed so loud that my ears were ringing, after being lost in my own little world of road-hum and frosty patterns... and I think one of the grown ups up front told him not to bother me about it and probably told me to go back to what I was doing.. seemed they did that often..

And the time when I was probably the same age, and I was with my mom at a little dress store that was owned by a family that she knew somehow, I think it was across from a little cafe we would go to sometimes that she had worked at for a short time after my dad died... but I remember going with her there and while she shopped and chatted with the lady behind the counter, I sat on the floor near the fitting room where I could still see my mother, right in front of a mirror, and spent the time looking at myself in the mirror.. not at my whole self, but I would stare at parts of my face, my lips, chin, ears, eyes sometimes but I'd look at one of my eyes, you know, and study it like if it was a painting of someone else's eye or something.. I remember that I was watching my face and making different shapes with my mouth, different expressions, and hearing the lady asking either me or my mom if I was okay over there, and my mom replying "she's just looking at the pretty girl in the mirror, aren't you?"..

My mom died when I was 30. I will always miss her. she was awesome like that. <3

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